


looking back (and moving forward)

by hereforthehurts



Category: The Owl House (Cartoon)
Genre: Abuse, Amity Blight Angst, Amity Blight-centric, Amity cutting off her hair, Angry Amity Blight, Angst with a Happy Ending, Childhood Trauma, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Febuwhump, Febuwhump 2021, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, Lumity, Older lumity, Past Child Abuse, Sad with a Happy Ending, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-17 02:15:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29464101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hereforthehurts/pseuds/hereforthehurts
Summary: It took her seven years and a change of heart to finally understand what her mother was doing to her that day she dyed her hair.She was trying to change who she was. She was trying to make her something she is not.And Amity would never let her do that ever again - starting from now.
Relationships: Amity Blight/Luz Noceda
Comments: 1
Kudos: 110





	looking back (and moving forward)

**Author's Note:**

> For febuwhump day 15; "don't look back" !! enjoy some amity angst <3
> 
> [based on this fanart!](https://cutetanuki-chan.tumblr.com/post/642925272871665664/it-looked-cooler-in-my-head-d-and-bonus)

_Never look back._  
  
  
  
  
Amity remembers the day her mother had taught her those words so clearly in her head, a memory she’s tried so hard to tuck away in the furthest corner of her brain to no avail. She was nine then and had been a sweet obedient little thing that was her mother’s creation, like a puppet who had no control of their own body, their own lives.  
  
  
Amity wished _so badly_ that she could forget who she was.  
  
  
  
_Never look back._  
  
  
  
She was nine then, sitting in front of her bedroom’s dresser, her mother’s figure behind her, streaking a brush gently over her hair. She doesn’t know what she’s doing, doesn’t know _why_ she’s doing it—all Amity really knew was to be obedient, still and silent. So that’s what she did.  
  
“Do you know what I’m doing right now, Amity?” Her mother’s voice was cold and smooth, like a bucket of ice water being dumped on her back. Amity couldn’t help but slightly flinch away from her place.  
  
“Yes, mother.”

  
  
Because that’s all that she could answer.

It took her seven years and a change of heart to finally understand what her mother was doing to her that day.  
  
She was trying to change who she was. That’s what she’s doing. She was trying to make her something she’s not.  
  
  
  
  
  
And Amity would _never_ let her do that. Not anymore.  
  
  
  
  
_Never look back,_ her mother said. _The past will only pull you behind. The past will only haunt you.  
  
  
And yes, _Amity thinks now, with a mix of burning anger and regret, _the past did haunt me. It still does.  
  
_  
  
She gathers her now waist-length hair with one hand, pulling it back to her neck. There’s an uneven line on her neck that separates her brown hair from her unnatural, mint green one. It’s a shame that the line was the only thing that separates who she really is from the obedient puppet her mother had shaped her into. Every time her hair grows longer and the brown starts showing from the tips of her head, her mother would swipe her back to that seat in front of her dresser and hide them. Hide who her daughter is, shape her into what she wanted she wanted her to be.  
  
  
  
_Color coordinated,_ Odalia had said.  
  
_Not anymore,_ Amity says now.  
  
  
  
She smooths her hair with her fingers, gathering them into her side, watching the reflection of the figure that _isn’t her_ in the mirror for the last time in her life.  
  
  
  
_Never look back,_ her mother had said. It was a good advice, or so she had thought when she was little. If only she had known what it meant sooner. _Never look back_ for her means forgetting every horrible thing her mother had forced her to do in the past, every cold, manipulative words she had said to her. _Never look back_ means forgetting who she was. _Never look back_ means forgetting who she is.  
  
  
And fortunately, Amity has never been a very good listener. Not to her mother, anyway.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
This time, Amity looked back. She looked back into what she was, what had happened to her. She looked back into the times she had felt so guilty and ashamed of not being able to fight back, for all those times she watched herself become something she wasn’t.  
  
  
She looked back. And it hurts.  
  
  
  
  
(She cuts the mint green with a swift flick of her finger. They fall off piece by piece into her hands like light feathers, landing softly on the floor.)  
  
  
  
But it was okay, because the future is ahead of her, and it was _hers._  
  
  
(There’s panic gripping on her chest for a moment, the pain blocking the air from her throat, the old feeling of knowing that her mother is going to be so angry at her when she sees the mess she made. Amity held the strands of her mint green hair like she depended on it, before realizing that she’s safe, now, she’s safe, and everything’s okay, and nobody could hurt her if she doesn’t let them anymore.)  
  
  
  
It was hers. Her life was _hers._ Not her mother’s, not her parents’, and definitely not the Coven’s—hers. It was hers and hers only. And she gets to decide.  
  
  
(She breathes. Hot tears run down her cheeks softly, but she was smiling. She was free. “ _It’s okay,”_ she keeps telling herself, _“It’s okay. You’re going to be okay.”_ And she will be. She knows she will.)  
  
  
And Amity decides that she was going to be who she is, from now on. Starting from her hair.  
  
  
  
  
  
Luz comes into the room hours later, finding her sobbing on the floor in a mess of hair and tears. She looks up at her and smiles, contrast to the tears flowing down her cheeks—and Luz doesn’t question her. She never does. The other girl moves forward and crouches down to hold her, kiss her, tell her that everything’s going to be okay. That it’s okay to feel. To have regrets.  
  
  
  
  
When she gets up from her place on the floor, Luz’s hand in hers, it felt like she was wearing a new skin. Like a butterfly coming out of their cocoon for the first time in their life.  
  
  
  
  
“Do you regret it?” Luz asks her softly, running her fingers along her brown hair’s choppy cut.  
  
“What, my hair?” Amity asks back. Her hand unconsciously reaches back to feel her hair, too, only to be met with Luz’s. “Oh. What do you think?”  
  
“It’s…” Luz shrugs. “It’s a fresh start. I like it.” Her hand moves over to intertwine her fingers in between hers. “Do you?”  
  
“Oh. Yeah, definitely,” Amity laughs. “The only regret I have is not doing it sooner.”  
  
“So, no regrets?”  
  
She smiles at her. “No regrets.”  
  
Luz kisses the top of her head softly. “Then let’s go. Forward.”  
  
“Yeah,” Amity nods. She takes Luz’s hand and pulls herself up. “Forward.”  
  
  
  
  
  
And forward she goes. 

**Author's Note:**

> [tumblr blog!](https://hereforthehurts.tumblr.com/)


End file.
